The Secrets Of Transforming Marital Conflicts Into Win-Win Propositions
Anger is often a lit fire which is blown out and extinguished or tossed upon a pile of paper on which kerosene is poured. It’s a chance for friends and couples to end clashes to the advantage of both sides and bring these parties closer to each other or it can be an invitation to start a battle and transform companions into opponents. The next few recommendations approach anger as an opportunity to build connections as well as enhance significant relationships.
1) Request what you need respectfully. Frame your requests so they create common feelings of achievement and understanding.
2) Stay in the present and address one issue at a time. Today is the first day of the rest of your lives. Avoid phrases that shape no win situations such as: “You always, you never, etc…” The blame and shame game is played in a world of black and white. Stay in a world of shades of gray.
3) When discussing your emotions, communicate them assertively and let your partner understand the cause-effect relationship between what you’re experiencing, the way it affects you, as well as the results it creates. i.e., “When you look away when I’m speaking with you, I feel frustrated and discouraged because I like to feel important to you and not uninteresting or burdensome. When you behave in this way, I feel like leaving you behind and spending the afternoon with our dog.”
4) Pay attention actively and clarify what you are hearing. When we try to read minds we are acting in a disrespectful manner and oftentimes reading our own minds and confusing them with our partners’.
5) Resolving conflicts are much simpler when both parties do their best to keep their tones of voice, words and body language consistent. If you are receiving mixed messages, then let your partner know in as kind and considerate a manner as possible.
6) Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and do not attribute malicious motives to justify your behaviors.
7) Two wrongs never make a right and only make matters worse. Two wrongs is a formula for a vicious cycle of victimization and retaliation in the absence of reparations being made by the alleged aggressor.
If your anger is holding your thoughts hostage and you are on an aggressive mission both of you will regret then, please consider calling time out, calm your self down, reflect on what just happened and then, get back together when you are back in control of yourself and willing and able to work matters out.
9) Try and throw out right and wrong, good and bad, smart and stupid, etc.. There is your cup of tea and her cup of tea. There are different strokes for different folks and the sooner you separate your self from what your partner does or not does, and will do or not do, the easier it will be to maintain your own self-esteem and not blame your partner for what you cannot control. If you can hold onto your own self regard you will be better able to not lose regard for your partner when you feel frustrated, disappointed, angry, etc.
10) Remember, love is a verb. To act in a loving manner it’s important that you not lose sight of the possibility that the person you loved yesterday is the same person you can’t stand today. We are all complex individuals with numerous facets to our personalities. Learn to hold on to yourself as a complete individual and you are more likely to hold on to your partner as a complete individual as well.
11) Romantic relationships succeed when life becomes a win/win proposition. Negotiate with balanced regard for both of your interests. When you say you don’t care about your partner’s self-interest, you are also saying you don’t care about your own self-interest. If it’s not possible to make a significant decision to your mutual satisfaction, take the decision off the table and try again another time.
12) Show your appreciation of each other with compliments. If your criticisms outnumber your compliments then life with your partner will be difficult. It’s universal to want to be known, accepted and loved as long as that love and acceptance is not at the expense of the other spouse’s integrity and core values. Unconditional love is reserved for young children. This having been said, adults want respect, consideration and love from their partners and won’t be happy if they have to be perfect and/or jump through hoops every day to get it. You’re not perfect so don’t expect perfection from your partner.
13) If you want to create a healthy relationship, communicate directly with your partner rather than using a third party.
14) Take turns speaking and listening.
15) No one wants to dig bunkers in their home to feel secure or safe. Keep away from all types of emotional and physical abuse as if they are loaded guns. They are relationship killers.
To learn more about anger management, visit Mitchell Milch’s website on couples counseling for Ridgewood, New Jersey.
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